The Escapades of Shepard and Friends
by inc4ssum
Summary: Follow Commander Shepard as he and his Teammates, Urdnot Wrex and Garrus Vakarian, try and save the Universe while trying not to kill each other. A Collection of Snippets, Multiple Genres. Rated T to be safe.
1. Not Very Good Timing

Author's Note: Okay, so pretty much this is going to be a collection of snippets following my Mass Effect 1 team as they try to get along and save the Universe.

Warnings: OOC and Bad Humor.

Disclaimer: I don't own them. I would have put a lot more Humor and Character Development in.

Chapter 1: Not Very Good Timing.

Genre: Humor

Commander Shepard hit his helmet against the elevator door a few times, willing it to get to its destination NOW.

His two teammates were unaware of their leader's plight, seeing as they were the ones causing it.

Garrus Vakarian and Urdnot Wrex stood at his 8 and 4, arguing once again. Shepard appreciated them - really, he did - but sometimes he just wanted to put his head through a wall.

"But that makes no sense!"

"It doesn't _have_ to make sense Turian!"

"Guys."

"But it seems redundant! Why would humans waste their time with that?"

"Guys!"

"Just because other humans have more leisure time then most of the ones we meet does not mean they spend it productively!"

"_GUYS_!"

The two aliens turned to look at the disgruntled human. Shepard sighed and rubbed the aching scar over his eye.

"I understand how _important_ this discussion is, but can we finish talking about the latest Season of Earth Idol _AFTER_ we find Dr. T'Soni?"


	2. In Which Liara Is Confused

Authors Note: Yes, I know I took some liberties with their personalities. So sue me... wait don't do that. I'm writing what I think their journey to save the universe was like. Yes, I think it a bit differently then most, but with their personalities that clash a bit, I can't help it.

Chapter 2: In Which Liara Is Confused.

Genre: Humor

Liara T'Soni was having a bad day.

Firstly, she had awoken with a nasty cramp in her neck -but she guessed falling asleep reading would do that-.

The morning did not get any better when she found that the coffee supply was extinguished. The Humans really had something there.

It continued with small things, a lost stylis, a broken nail, even a minor rockslide. But even then it wasn't to bad.

Until the Geth attacked that is.

Even through the panicked rush to get herself away from them and getting herself trapped in the Prothean Barrier-field, Liara couldn't help thinking about how she could really do with that cup of coffee.

Hey, at least the Geth were not able to get to her... yet.

It was a while she was contemplating ideas to get herself out of this mess when she heard the noise.

It caught her attintion because of how out of place it seemed.  
It was a small beeping sound and if she didn't believe any better, she swore it sounded like a human granad-

The explosion rattled down from the upper levels to her prison, along with a wave of cold.  
The sharp report of an assault rifle was accompanied by the boom of some heavy weapon and the quick crack of a high powered rifle.

The sound of Geth shrieking died down along with the gunfire only to be replaced with the grind of one of the lifts activating. Who was coming down here?

"Hello? Is someone out there?"

More gunfire and explosions were her answer.

Another lift activated, but this time she could hear voices.

"I can't believe you _SHOT_ me Shepard."

"Hey, that was your fault! I didn't know you were going to move in front of me as I was taking the shot! Its not like it actually hurt you anyway Wrex."

"But you still SHOT ME IN THE BACK. Stop laughing Turian!"

"You know, I do have a _NAME_ Wrex, and the Commanders right. Its not like the shot got passed your shields."

A scriek of metal was followed by several curses.

"Get off me Turian!"

"Its not like I wanted to fall on you!"

"Guys! We need to keep moving."

Liara heard footsteps on the metal above her alcove.

"Hello?"

A Human, a Turian, and a Krogan entered her field of vision a minute later.

The Krogan and Turian were giving each other dirty looks while the Human looked happy to see her.

"Dr. T'Soni I presume?"

"Yes, thank the Goddess. I am trapped in here! The Geth have been trying to find a way past the barrier."

The Krogan huffed "How do we know we can trust her? What if shes working for Saren?"

The Turian answered with a skoff but was scilenced by a look from the Human.

"I don't think the Geth would be trying to kill her if she was on their side." He shifted his weight to his other foot, re-gripping his hold on his sniper rifle. A sly grin on his face.

"I'm honestly surprised Wrex, our naive little Garrus here even managed to put those pieces together."

The comment was met with a squack of protest and booming laughter.

"W-was that really necessary Commander?"

"As long as you keep calling me Commander, yes."

"Ha! 'Bout time you got some hard knocks Turian!"

The two aliens continued to bicker while the Human turned back to her.

"Don't worry Dr.T'Soni, we'll get you out of here. Any ideas on shutting this thing down?"

After running a few thoughts by the man he nodded.

"Alright, we'll be over there in a sec. Hold tight." He said with a grin.

Turning fast on his heel and quickly sighting his rifle, she almost thought that he had shot one of his teammates -again- when the shot rang, startling them both out of their argument. But the shrill death cry of a Geth stood testament to the Human's aim.

As the man advanceded along the walkway in a crouch, the two aliens cursed bringing up their own weapons. The Turian showed the natural grace and agility of his race as he dashed ahead with his assault rifle at the ready.  
The Krogan cursed again, pulling out his shotgun.

"Can't wait even a second!" He put on a quick burst of speed.

A blast from the Krogan's gun a moment later was followed by a yelp.

"_WREX_! Did you just _SHOOT ME_?"

"Turn abouts fair play Shepard, as you humans say!"

Suddenly, Liara wasn't so sure she wanted to be rescued anymore.


	3. Fashion Fiasco

Authors Note: Thanks to Madeline118 for the great opinions and conversations! And a big thank you to all the people who put me on Story/Author Alert or left a review! I try to respond to them!

Chapter 3: Fashion Fiasco

Genre: Humor

Bored.

That's the word that fit the two aliens mood perfectly. Wrex and Garrus were lounging on some crates as Shepard did business with a merchant.  
Normally that would be fine. But today the Human's scavenger like personality quirk caught up to them in the form of a full inventory.

Which caused Garrus to have to pass up on a better armor upgrade.

Shepard had felt really bad about that. Garrus already had weaker armor then the tankish Human Soldier and Krogan, through he would never admit it, he had some trouble keeping up with the two. Upgrades were always a welcomed boon.

As soon as they had eliminated the threat of the Geth incursion they had plotted a course straight to the Citadel.

A-nd here they still were.

Shepard was STILL selling his stockpiled loot from EVERY locked crate or safe they found. The Human turned out to be a little TO good at hacking. The Turian and Krogan had finished cleaning and caught up with the maintenance of all of their weapons, even the ones they never used! Where did the Human keep it all?  
They were about resort to ... not so legal measures for entertainment when Shepard walked over to them, a stupid grin on his scared face, holding two cases and dond in shiny new white and yellow armor.

"Guess what, Christmas came early this year!" He happily exclaimed as he tossed them their respective armor upgrades.

Wrex snorted "That was lame Shepard."  
He then proceeded to tear into the the case with reckless abandon.  
The Human's only response was a shrug.

Garrus compared the stats against his current suit. No doubt they were a bit better, but a bit was a lot when it came to medium armor. It truly was a good find.

Wrex had already equipped his upgrade. It was black with vivid red. It suited the Krogan perfectly.

Taking one last look at the readings, the Turian activated the upgrade. He felt the familiar ripple and subsequent hardening of the armor's weave.  
He wasn't aware anything was odd until he heard a strangled snicker.

"What? What is it?"

A Krogan's booming laughter was his answer.  
He turned to Shepard, who in turn looked sheepish and rubbed the back of his helmet.  
"You might want to look at your armor Garrus."  
The Turian gave a confused tilt of the head and looked to see what the big deal was with the upgrade.

He squawked in outrage.

"I am NOT wearing this!"

Wrex barked out another laugh.

"Whatever you want your Ladyship!"

The armor was white and pink.  
PINK!  
Who makes PINK Turian armor anyway?

His mandibles flexed in frustration and the scales covering his body rose in agitation as he stood.

Shepard sighed, kicking Wrex to shut him up.  
"Garrus, I KNOW you don't want to. But, honestly, you NEED the damage protection and shield bonuses. I promise that I will try to find you something better. But in the mean time..."

"You get to look pretty Turian."

Garrus sunk down back onto the crate in defeat, anger deflating. The gave the Human a wary look.

"You really need to clean your inventory out once in a while Commander."

At least the Human had the decency to blush.

Authors Note: Well, honestly, this I wrote from an actual experience in the game. When I equipped the armor for Garrus, I double-taked and then started laughing my head off. Oh, and curse for not letting me do simple layout changes. I had proper indentations and everything before I put the file on here.


	4. Its Going to be a Bumpy Ride!

Author's note: Okay, first I would like to apologize. I haven't updated this thing in over a YEAR. I know its a lame excuse and everyone says it, but my life got super busy super fast last year. I have now moved THREE times since my last update. During that time I had picked up Mass Effect 2 and subsequently got put off from the fandom for a while when Miranda's loyalty mission pissed me the hell off. So as of yet, I STILL haven't beaten ME2. I plan on replaying though both games soon, so hopefully I will be getting a lot more ideas for this story.

Again, I wish to apologize to everyone with how stupidly long this has taken me to update...

Chapter 4: Its Going to be a Bumpy Ride!

Genre: Humor/Action

The planet fall on Therum went as smoothly as it could have possibly of gone if Joker's boasting about his piloting skills had any say in it.  
The mining world was desolate and hot, not a living thing in sight. But the high ridges and lava pools didn't leave much room for visibility.  
But the readings from the Normandy were saying otherwise.

Shepard gave a long whistle from the driver's seat of the Mako.

"Welcome to Paradise boys! Population: Us, the good doctor, and a whole lotta Geth."

He heard Garrus scoff from the tech terminal behind him and Wrex give a grunt from the gunner station. Giving a quick laugh, the human pressed the Mako forward.

Rounding what felt like the tenth tight path between giant lakes of molten rock, Wrex hissed.

"So much for those energy signals! Nothing to shoot and endless pools of lav-"

Garrus urgently cut him off as they began to go over a small ridge.

"Commander! Reading a signal! Its coming in fast and its big!"

Sure enough, a geth ship flew in low overhead and dropped two large objects down on the path ahead before taking off again.

A frown crossed Shepard's face.

"What are those-"

The 'objects' then began to unfold into what appeared to be a giant walking guns which proceeded to fire upon them.

A few choice curses left the Commander's mouth as he used some quick maneuvering and the micro-thrusters to evade the shots.  
Wrex gave a gruff laugh.

"About time! Lets see what these guns can actually do!"

Shepard's erratic evasive movements didn't seem to have to much of an effect on Wrex as the mass accelerator cannon boomed out precise shots which turned the armatures into piles of scrap in no time.

They encountered a few more of the machines, and a geth outpost, which were taken down just as easily.

Climbing up another small hill after taking down 3 of the armatures, Wrex thumped the back of the Commander's seat.

"Where did you learn to drive Shepard? Its hard to aim while your trying to make this thing do ballet!"

The human barked a laugh while Garrus frowned at his terminal.

"Comman-!"

"Obviously your just jealous of my awesome driving. Maybe its you who needs to learn to shoot better Wrex!" The human jibed back as they crested the hill.

"Commander! Large energy reading ahea-" Garrus was cut off again as the Mako rocked hard and the shield's warning siren screamed about their eminent deactivation. Shepard threw the vehicle in reverse and skittered back over the ridge, barely dodging another large blast of a pulse weapon. A few Geth Rocket Troopers followed over after them but were gunned down by the Mako's machine guns and a few cannon blasts.

"Damage report!" Shepard barked as more troops crested the hill and he reversed a bit more to give Wrex a better shot.

"S-shields holding but barely! Besides that, no damage."

The human frowned a the initial stutter and risked a quick look at Garrus. The turian had a pretty nice gash above his left eye that was bleeding.

"You okay Garrus?"

The turian gave him a quick surprised look before turning back to his terminal.

"Fine Commander."

Nodding, Shepard faced forward again.

"How long until the shields are back up?"

"Give me a sec Commander."

"How are you doin' up there Wrex."

The artillery stopped and the krogan turned in his chair.

"Just ran out of targets to shoot."

"Good. Now did anyone get a look at what shot us?"

Wrex grunted.

"From the brief glance I got of it, it looks like a really big version of the scrap metal we've been dismantling."

Shepard sighed.

"Great, so the things has legs."

"Actually Commander," Garrus spoke up from his work "it appears to not be moving." He finished a last few adjustments and the alarms turned off before turning to the other two. "Shields back to 100%."

The krogan Battlemaster caught sight of the turian's face and laughed.

"You regret leaving your precious Citadel yet turian?"

Garrus's scales started to rise in agitation but Shepard cut off any reply.

"Alright, so we need to keep going but we have a wall of plasma spitting metal in our way." The human turned back to the controls, a smile tugging at his lips. "I think I might know just the way to deal with this. Buckle up boys! We're about to have some fun!" Giving them just enough time to settle into their stations, he gunned the acceleration.

Cresting the hill again, they were able to get a good look at the machine before them. Wrex was right, it was a larger version of the armature they had fought before, with a few other differences. It was situated behind a structure of large metal beams.

"Shepard, can't get a good shot from this angle."

Quickly deploying the micro-thrusters to avoid another shot from the colossus, Shepard pressed the speed again when they hit the ground.

"Then we'll just have to get closer."

Making a pretty spectacular turn and avoiding another blast of plasma, the human headed straight for the large armature.

"Lets see how it likes to get hit."

That was all the warning Wrex and Garrus got as Shepard rammed the colossus with the Mako.

AN: Okay, I really suck at writing action so I apologize in advance. If anyone sees any grammatical errors, feel free to point them out. Thanks to everyone who reviewed or added this to their favorites.


	5. First Rule of Alien Fight Club

Chapter 5: First Rule of Alien Fight Club

Genre: Humor/Friendship

"Joker, I wont tolerate this kind of behavior on my ship!"

"Ah lighten up Commander, it was just a few pictures!"

"You knew Garrus hated that suit and you had no right to distribute those pictures to the crew! How did you even GET some of those shots?"

"Ah uh Commander, a magician never-"

"Commander Shepard!"

The two humans turned toward Tali who was running up the deck, Shepard meeting her half way.

"Whats wrong Tali."

She took a quick breath.

"I think Wrex is trying to kill Garrus!"

The Commander took just one moment to swear violently before darting towards the elevator, the quarian hot on his heels. They got to the lift and Shepard slammed the button, giving Tali just enough time to slip in before the door descended. They could hear the sounds of fighting as the elevator moved slowly down.

"Damn this thing!" Shepard cursed, pacing a lap around the confined space. He turned to Tali "I thought that they were finally starting to get along! Do you know what started it?"

The quarian shook her head as a loud war cry echoed up the lift.

"I am sorry Commander. I was talking with Adams when your requisition officer ran into engineering! When I came out Wrex had Garrus pinned to a bulkhead!"

Besides the low sound of the lift's final decent, it went deathly quite.

Shepard rubbed his face.

"Oh please oh please PLEASE don't have killed Garrus! PLEASE."

As the door raised the two braced themselves.

Only to let out a collective sigh of relief.

Wrex was on the ground with an out of breath Garrus perched on top, looking slightly roughed up but strangely proud.

The krogan grunted.

"Not bad Garrus, not bad."


End file.
